”Emptier the heart, heavier it feels.”
Do you have that hopeful feeling in your heart that is the sole driving force for you to wake up everyday?
Do you have that motivation to do better because of someone? Or for someone? Do you have that fire in your heart which fuels your determination?
Can you ever imagine that the light at the end of the darkest tunnel you have ever been in, is in the end just a fierce hope than a reality? Can you imagine that hope, that fire that propelled you forward, just led to this utterly disappointing moment where it all just means nothing?
That was betrayal for me.
Betrayal for me was having my deepest belief shattered.
It has been said that betrayal doesn’t come from our enemies and there has been nothing in this world that is more resounding of the truth in this Universe.
The moment I heard it, my heart beat accelerated, and I saw what was narrated to me happen in my head. The delivery of the blow was done. The feeling was acutely similar to being shot, straight in the heart. I could feel the focus of the pain in my heart, slowly spreading to my entire body, right to my toes.
It gradually subsided to a heavy feeling inside, and my brain was on auto pilot, listening to whatever else was being said.
”I can’t be weak in this moment. I will not cry.”
I repeatedly told this to myself in order to avoid a breakdown.
And then it began. The mind numbing process of analysis, which the normal human beings call ‘over thinking’.
My brain conjured up a series of theories, analysing everyday, every person I met, or every thing the traitor did to find some sort of sign or warning. Some red flag moment or blatant truth staring at me right in the face and I was blind and idiotic enough to ignore it.
I asked myself if there was anything that I should have paid attention to, that could have prevented this from happening, or atleast prepared me for this moment right here.
And then I started to see it.
I saw it in the little phrases and words that I once dismissed. The actions that my brain dismissed as irrelevant or said in innocence. One may not always find it, but when one is looking for answers, any grasp at some sort of logic or reasoning, one tends to morph anything they find into what suits their need for an answer.
One of the most horrible things betrayal does to a person is to crumble their belief in their own self. Their belief in their own judgement, their own mind and heart, their own ability to perceive life and people. And I don’t think any one deserves to live in such a deep sense of self doubt.
I remember looking at the sky and I asked myself, am I really that naive or gullible? Dumb, even? And why would something like this happen to me, again and again? Is it my fault for trusting too much? Is it my fault that I always choose to see the best in people? Am I dumb enough to always trust the wrong kinds of people, or trust is just a mistake all together?
And I realised that I am the only one who can give myself a closure.
I realised that there is no answer to the question, ‘ Why? ‘
So I decided that I won’t let that person take myself away from me.
I won’t let that person change who I am, because the world has enough cold and cruel people, and pretending to not have a heart gives birth to more heartless people.
I won’t let it change who I am, because then they win.
I will learn from it, and choose to move forward.
I won’t blame myself for it, because it does not define who I am, but who they are.
The world backs off when you make it back off.
So you need to fight, every single day, to make it back off.