It was a very difficult year for me
He started dating someone else
I died and slept for 6months
I became a content creator
I started having photoshoots
I worked very hard to put everything together
To put it together perfectly
I did another side project
I did not do / add on anything academic/irrelevant to the CV
I planned my birthday
I wanted it to go perfectly
I looked at everybody’s convienience, timings, location, dates, days, etc
And I chose my birthday
10 people were invited , 7 showed up.
They enjoyed.
I could afford the bill
The bill was a drama
Had a party later
Came home
Prepared to leave
Left Mumbai
Came to Delhi
Lived in a hostel
What is a hostel?
How do you wash clothes ?
How do you keep things clean?
What do you drink?
What do you eat?
Do you like this food ?
Look around you
Look at the people around you
Look at the adults around you
Look at the problems around you
Then look at the place around you
Look at Delhi
Look at how far it is
Look at Gurgaon
Look at Delhi
Look at how much I am spending
Look at how much my money is going
It worried me
Look at the college
Look at the teachers
Look at the people around you
They are not my friends
Look at the classrooms
Look at everhthing around you
Look at the subjects
Look at the fact that you have to come here everyday
Look at the fact that you have to stay here till 6pm , 5.30
Initially it was 3.30 , then they made it 5.30.
Look at the fact that you have to eat everyday
You have to drink water
You have to eat properly so that you have energy
There were assignments to be submitted
I was scared of them
I didnt want to be so dumb
I wanted them to like me
I am likeable
I am good
I am smart
I could do this very easily
I chose this afterall
I have never felt dumb, out of place, I want to do that and I am not able to
Why can people around me ?
Why are all of them better than me ?
How do you know that?
Why did you come prepared ?
Why didn’t I?
People have come all this and come
Then there were health issues
Some trips
I am not able to do it
Then we came back
Then there were exams
I cant
I just cant
There were mosquitoes
There was the mattress
There was no food
There was no AC
There was no fan
There was no
You are not my friend
You only care about yourself
Mera bhi exam hai
Why cant I study?
There were exams
I had to get up the next day
There were 2 papers per day
I had to have energy
There were exams everyday
2 papers per day
I had to be well rested before each paper
I had to revise
I had to know
I had to be satisfied after every paper
I dont like any of it
I want to cry
I am unwanted here
I feel so disgusted
So small
So broken
So put in a box
I cant
And then it got over
I was looking to move out
I was looking
It was an immediate decision
I didnt waste time
There was some procedure to be followed and as usual they were annoying and I genuinely genuinely genuinely dont give a fuck about you
I took the call and came to this PG
I found stable ground
* I loved the location *
The location was prime
I remember looking at this, making this turn and I am like , its here?? Its a prime location
I will be hardworking here
I will grow here
I will be myself here
I wont suffocate
I wont feel like running away
I wont move on the next thing where I am settling (apparently settling)
I immediately finalised it and moved before Sunday
I finalised it on Friday
Came here before Sunday
Paid everything quickly
Moved here
Set the whole place up
( I did it on my own )
I had no help
I packed everything
It took 3 trips
The mirror was left
I went and just got it here
And got it put up here
I fucking need my mirror here
Its my mirror, I will put it up here
Then
The fucking attendance
I. Dont. Care
Then , we studied
Finally, I am smart
Capable
Me
I can feel things
I am aware
I can absorb my surroundings
My mind can take the information in
Okay
This is what is happening
And each day I felt more and more myself
I loved walking
* I loved living here *
I went around
I am just more me , more aware, I talk to people? I interacted
They kind of respected me a little bit??
I dont see idk?? that weird thing in their eyes
I am normal
I started eating
I started sleeping a lot
I started living alone
And I have never felt ‘alone’
I loved my music, I loved my clothes, I loved everything around me
I was not scared of sleeping alone
I was not scared of the dark
I put on a night lamp
And I slept
My health bothers me
I am not gaining weight
Will I gain weight as time progresses ?
Will I have sufficient food in me ? – no
What will I do with my weight?
How can I gain it back?
Will I ever be the right weight ?
The eclipse hit hard
I got fever
I died – not necessary
My periods are disturbed – never happens
I did not shift to a flat
I did not shift to M2
I did not move out of here
In 15,000 I got a good room, AC, Wifi, geyser, beds, TV, smart TV, good workers(??) carpenters, plumber, electrician, etc , the food, good cooperation, availability,
Water and electricity, its really nice
The terrace
The piche ka part
The market view
The sunset
The idea that I sit there, view the market, and drank my Coolberg
There were so many trips this year
Goa in February
Delhi
Manesar not delhi, not gurgaon, its manesar
Village which is unnecessarily and so expensive
Its a scam.
I came with the intention of being in Delhi, a city life, I am born and brought up in Mumbai , why did I choose Delhi? Why did I choose a Tier 1 city and not Jamshedpur or Pune or Hyderabad?
Anything else but Delhi
I was told Gurgaon is litt
Its the most developed area
And its not even Gurgaon
Its Manesar
I am spending money here
Everything is expensve here
Everything they get from outside to supply here
Everything is 4x expensive
Which is not fair because I didnt choose this
I didnt choose Manesar
I chose a city life
I am used to living a city life
The hostel problems
Everything was a problem
Everything was going wrong
Which wasnt anticipated at all
—
Goa
Delhi
Chandigarh
Mumbai
chennai
Rishikesh
Agra
—
Chennai
Rishikesh
Agra
Then that Kyameraa thing happened
I did not post photos
I saved a tonn of money and removed someone out of my life who tried to manipulate me into paying for him
I decided to completely remove someone who will do it again if I let it slide this time
And its not about money or how much it is (which is a lot) but the fact that he has probably done it before, and will do it again, in other ways, new ways, if I allow it to happen this time
Then the main problem
Content creating ?
Travelling?
Photoshoots?
Photographers?
My profile
The portfolio building
New artists
Me, my face, my beauty, ME
What I am creating, what I love to put out there
I love looking at myself
What I want it to be like
New ideas
Nothing new was done
I was consistent with the themes
I was consistent with how I started it
With the blocks, with the themes , with each shoot covered so that you can scrolled down and the profile aesthetic is maintained
Then I am about to hit 10k
I want to spend less money
I stopped travelling
I want to rest
The experiences have been so bad
That I have stopped
And want to stay at home
And genuinely start liking to rest
Watch netflix more
Read more
Listen to music , watch movies
Read, write, feel, paint, tarot, spirituality
I have lost touch
Wht have I done?
Movies
Netflix
Music
Dancing
Singing
Being happy
Clothes lots of clothes
Outfits
Lots of outfits
OOTDs
Going to college everyday
Food
New place to go to
Where to go??
No new movie ? No new destination?
No new hobby
Clothes
Food
Music
Sleeping (beauty sleep. 11pm bedtime. 7am wake up time)
What have I actually been doing in my free time ?
Talking
Out loud
To everyone around here
My body is resting
I am at home
But my free time goes in talking to people
About very deep emotions
About some past people
Some present people
Some memories
Some incidences
Everything that I have gone through
Or going through sometimes
Still going round and round in whatever happened
Bought a heater
I have actually managed to get through the Delhi winter
And its not bad
I am in 3 layers of clothes
But I forget that its winter
I forget that its cold
There is a heater and I forget its cold
I bought a heater and its really nice
The heater. The colour. I need that in my life. More red. More orange. My yellow. My fire. My flame. My chrome yellow. My idk
Warm. We need love. We need hugs. We need acceptance. We need compassion. We need more togetherness. We need more brotherhood. We need more team spirit. We need more within. We need more inside.
We need more love. And we need more hear
The year is over and I am done
the whole thing is let go of
and I am done
i am just so fucking done
i have given my everything
and I am just done
KHATAM
And I am just looking at it
yeh hogaya hai
sab khatam
my goodness its over
its DONE
and I am just looking at it
I am not ready to turn around and look at the new year
mujhe nai karna yeh
this is a tsunami
and I am under
chal jayega
i didnt put any effort at least
and i didnt go towards it
i have no fucks to give
be around
Epiphany. 